When You Get Reply of Unanswered Questions- You Heal

A married woman once reached out to me, burdened by social anxiety, perfectionism, and an overwhelming fear of judgment. She had attempted multiple attemps to harm her self. She had abondened her degree program, showing resentful behaviour towards in laws, dictating and controlling her children unnecssariliy. As we explored her past, it became evident that she had spent her entire childhood absorbing the emotional wounds (traumas) of her parents. She had grown up watching them fight, always feeling responsible for their conflicts.

In an attempt to keep them together, she became the ‘perfect child’—always excelling, always pleasing, and always ensuring that she was not the reason for another argument. This pattern followed her into adulthood. She struggled with making eye contact, overanalyzed every conversation, and feared that any mistake would make her unworthy of love and acceptance.

Her need for validation from others had deep roots in the belief that she was only valuable when she was ‘good enough’—a belief unconsciously formed from years of emotional conditioning. The more she tried to be perfect, the more she felt exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from her true self.

I told her that situations, people, events, or words have no inherent value within; rather, the meaning and value you assign to them determines their significance in your eyes. It is the meaning you attribute that shapes your perception, and that perception, in turn, influences your path in life.
The meaning you have given to that situation has created a limiting belief that is now controlling your life. However, you have the power to change your perception, and when you do, everything within your mind shifts. By reshaping your thoughts, you can redesign your reality.

I gave her an example: Imagine you are walking in the extreme heat of a desert, carrying 2 kg of gold worth millions. Suddenly, you become overwhelmingly thirsty, and there is no water in sight. As your physical strength begins to fail, a person appears with two bottles of ice-cold water and offers to trade them for your gold. What would your response be?
She replied, “My survival is more important than gold.”

I pointed out that the meaning and value had shifted. Similarly, the words you heard from your mother—such as “Your father has ruined my life,” “He has no interest in the family,” “I have sacrificed everything”—created a sense of hatred within your subconscious mind. Your brain is now caught in a cybernetic loop of resentment, which has further developed into self-hatred and self-annoyance—feelings that do not reflect reality.

The truth is, you are not meant to live in a constant state of hatred or to blame your father based on your mother’s perspective. However, in early childhood, when your conscious mind was not fully developed, you lacked the ability to reject negativity or blame. As a result, these emotions took control of you, forming a core belief that keeps you stuck in a mindset of blame. In doing so, you unknowingly surrendered your self-control and decision-making power to someone else.

Since then, you have been living in chaos, lacking a meaningful direction and connection to reality. You took on the impossible responsibility of trying to mend the differences between your parents, believing that their reconciliation depended on you. But the reality is that you are not responsible for their actions.
Start acknowledging and accepting your own limits, and you will change your perception—transforming your life in the process.Through therapy and emotional release and sentimental crying.

She came to a profound realization:

  • She was not responsible for the happiness of her parents, her spouse, or anyone else.
  • As she let go of the guilt, shame, and emotional baggage she had carried for years.
  • She began to experience a newfound sense of freedom.
  • She no longer needed to prove her worth—because her worth was never tied to others’ approval in the first place.

By embracing this truth, she overcame her social phobia, regained confidence in her voice, and started living not for external validation, but for her own happiness. Her conversation and tone changed all at once. She smiled , giggled followed by sigh of deep relief. I told her to make a phone call exclusiley for her father and visit him at the earliest. She accepted this challlenege and when she spoke to him, he was absolutely stunned and surprised why seening the change in daughters attitude, Today, she stands as a strong, self-assured woman and has also re started her abondened degree program free from the shackles of perfectionism and self-doubt.

The lesson?

You don’t need to carry the weight of your parents’ wounds or prove your worth through perfection. You are already enough—Just as you are.