Insecure, egoistic, blaming, complaining, dictating, impatient, thankless, narcissistic, mood tantrums, Courage, bold
A woman approached me to express her deep concern about her dictating, unsatisfied, and controlling husband. She shared that her husband exhibits irritating and controlling behavior and also experiences sexual dysfunctionality, requiring proper treatment. During conversations, he consistently places blame on either her or the children, irrespective of the context. Unsatisfied with any response, he scrutinizes every aspect of their home life to belittle his family members. He insists on having everything done according to his instructions, forbidding anyone from expressing dissent. If someone goes against his wishes, he resorts to shouting or even feigning to collapse.
The Silent Struggle of One-Sided Healing
I then inquired about his feelings towards her, her mother, or any of their children. She conveyed that he claims to love her (the wife) the most and insists that leaving her is not an option. However, despite this purported love, she finds herself consistently penalized and held responsible for any unfortunate occurrences. Furthermore, he remains reluctant to share any details about events from their past, even when asked.
How do we handle this situation?
Belief issues direct commands to your nervous system. During moments of aggression, a person seeks energy from the reactive words of those around him. This situation can be handled more effectively by influencing his internal beliefs. I explained to her that she is both his weakness and strength. He feels insecure in the face of her strengths or beauty. Despite his mood tantrums or self-centered behavior, she can handle them, as he is overly possessive about her. However, managing his deep-seated hidden trauma is essential. In this case, you will be acting as a transmitter, and his brain will be acting as a receiver of the required frequency. Moreover, his recipient mode of managing emotions is in a fully active state when you exploit one of his hidden weaknesses to gain a positive outcome.
Nevertheless, she needs to maintain her full strength and courage (as obligatory emotions) without succumbing to any emotional manipulation. The next time he exhibits mood tantrums and attempts to isolate himself, she should assertively say, “You are a strong person; stop pretending to be weak and address your past traumas.” (Expecting a reaction from him, as he may feel uneasy.) This is a critical moment when he is ready to draw energy from her. She should remain steadfast and assert, “Do you want me to get sick and be admitted to the hospital?” Repeat this statement firmly three times. These words will connect with his core belief that he loves her and cannot afford to lose her. Following my guidance, the woman regained empowerment within a few weeks and diligently managed the situation as per my instructions on her own. The unknown, past-aged trauma of her husband was also released with remarkable improvement in his behavior.
Take Home Message
Handling your partner or client with consideration for their belief system is imperative. The main challenge you face while dealing with a narcissist is that they are not ready to accept or absorb the reality about their personality and can become manipulative. Past age traumas often transform into beliefs that begin to govern all aspects of life, eroding ‘free will and freedom of thought. As a coach, when your client expresses uneasiness while discussing past issues, it is crucial to link it to a more robust belief system. In the scenario above, the wife demonstrated a remarkable role as a strong coach, as her husband believed in nothing but her. Recognizing and navigating these belief systems is fundamental to fostering positive change and growth.
